A Personal Note…

I just ran across something that prompted me to write as a cathartic expulsion of emotions and I thought it might be a good description of who I am.  As I’ve hinted on here over the past few months, I’ve had some trouble getting over a guy I’m in love with.  Recently the therapist I’ve been seeing told me I have to make a choice: continue being alone, or put myself out there.  Now, I have no trouble doing this on a social level, even a romantic one, the problem is who I am.

I grew up on a ranch southeast of Tucson in an area known as Price.  After that we lived on a couple ranches, one in Safford, another outside Silver City.  After a brief stint in Las Cruces my family moved to a small town in Eastern Oregon called Burns.  It had a population of about four-thousand and is two hours east of Bend and three hours west of Boise; fairly isolated.  Before you think it, Eastern Oregon is not like the West, it is high desert: sage brush, junipers, and hills and plains.  No pine trees, and no snowy mountains until you pass either of the two aforementioned cities.  There were about 80 kids in each grade and the event of the year was the county fair and rodeo.  This was my life until high school when we moved to Portland.

The big city was obviously very different.  While I took full advantage of the city, spending as much time downtown as I could, the school life was very limiting.  In Burns I was intended to graduate early, but the city district didn’t like that plan and forced me to take a total of ten AP classes.  My parents are both very devoted to their careers and for the most part I raised myself during that time.  By senior year I was burnt out and school has been extremely difficult ever since.  Thus why I’m in college for my sixth year.

So now that you know the back story, here’s where I am now: I’ve lived in the middle of nowhere, and the middle of a city; the middle of the desert, and the middle of the forest; in a limited community, and an affluent one; I’ve always been a jock and a nerd; serious, and sensitive.  I love all that’s behind me and who I’ve become as a result of it.  Lately though it has become rather lonely.  I’ve had a lot of friends abandon me over the years and more recently would-be-boyfriends.  I know I’m stronger for it. I know who I am and what I want, I never blow off or lie to anyone, I’m the guy who shows up to every date early, with flowers.  I dress well, eat well, and am in great shape. I climb mountains, go to the symphony as well as rock concerts and basketball games.  I get good grades, have a job, work hard, volunteer when I can, and I always find a way to make what I want happen.  Yet, relationships are something I always fail at.  Now I’m at the age where all of my friends (the great ones that I will probably have forever) are in relationships and settling down and I’m the only one left.  I’m happy for each of them, but I’m spending more nights alone, finding things to do to keep my spirit high.

The choice I was told I’d have to make is this: I could go out to the gay bars to meet guys, go to gay organizations and other events, or remain alone.  The tragedy of it is that I already know the answer.  The gay community is not who I am, and I would rather be alone than compromise that.  I’ve been trying to accept that I will always be that way after the last guy.  Though he (unknowingly) hurt me worst of all, I’m not afraid to try again and put myself out there.  I’m an optimist, a romantic, and a fighter.  I’ll never be jaded, it’s not in my nature, but I am tired.  I joke that after graduation I’m going to move to the Canadian Rockies and get a dog, but everyday that idea sounds better and better.